Paws2Think: How Many Squeaky Toys Must We Destroy To Make Our Point?

You have them, I have them, we all have them. Squeaky toys. They’re everywhere! My parents keep bringing them home for me despite my best efforts to show them my disgust. I guess I’m not really disgusted, but I’ve tried to get my point across. They just don’t seem to get it. Give me a good bone, and I’ll be fine, but leave the squeaky toys for the young pups.

I try to be kind to my squeaky toys. I really do. But, inevitably, something takes over me, and I end up shredding them! It’s something about the sweet satisfaction of hearing them rip that sets my primal instincts ablaze. Throwing that fluffy, soft stuffing around the room is pure ecstasy. But here’s my complaint. I want to be better. I want to get control, but my parents keep bringing home squeaky toys! No matter what they say, I keep shredding them and shredding them, trying to prove my point. My point? I want to be a good boy. But, I need their cooperation to help me get there.

Studies Support Squeaky Toy Cessation

A study from Barkley University showed that 47% of dogs said they’d be good-er boys and girls if they had less access to squeaky toys. 84% of the dogs that participated in the study said that their mom and dad enabled them, 12% blamed grandma, and 4% blamed that one friendly neighbor who flirts with their mom when dad is at work. The dogs’ primary motivation for wanting to be good? Nearly two-thirds of the dogs said they were motivated by snuggles, followed by treats and then personal enlightenment.

“Destroying squeaky toys is a complicated subject. Many of us hear a squeaker and we immediately revert back to our primal instincts as wolves,” said Janet Pawsford, head Beagle at Barkley University. “No matter how cute the toy is, we often find that we just can’t bring ourselves to cherish its companionship.”

Longterm Effects Of Squeaky Toy Murder

Eating stuffing and squeakers can have a detrimental effect on our physical and mental health. K9TV did an investigation into the consequences of destroying squeaky toys, and the findings might surprise you.

“Stuffing can cause intestinal blockages and we’re finding that no amount of grass you eat will unblock it. Additionally, dogs who continue to destroy squeaky toys reported increased feelings of recklessness and lower self-esteem. Dogs who kill their squeaky toys show signs of guilt by putting their tail between their legs. Adult dogs who decimate squeakers have a 92% chance of passing along this behavior to their puppies,” according to K9TV dog park correspondent Jack Russell.

Tips To Help Your Parents Take A Hint

Instead of murdering your squeakies, try digging a hole and burying them in the backyard. If you have a cute little human brother or sister, you can try to steal their stuffed animals and shred them. In past experience, this has seemed to sway moms and dads to invest in some chew-proof toys and tasty bones. Don’t go overboard with that tactic, though. Just one or two sacrificial teddy bears will do the trick. Too many and you may find yourself in obedience class.

Be good, my friends.

Until next time, this is Barnaby signing-off. And remember, the white thing in the bathroom isn’t a water bowl.

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